Not A Pirate Or In Glitch City
by Eladard Kikur
Summary: More chaotic than Sonia's Bolting, random insanity reins down destruction in ch. 26x of Eliwood's Story! Poor, poor Erk.


"Are you certain that this is the correct path?"

"Yes!"

"Hurry up and move before I shove my Killing Edge up your—"

"Jaffar!"

Erk, Serra, Jaffar, and Nino were beginning to cross Bridge 5 to go onto the island where a Light Brand-wielding Hero used to rampage at. It was taking a bit of time because Nino was close to death's door several times. Not her fault that she was somehow a flypaper for freaks. Florina had flown over to help out the troops by allowing the Bishop use up the Berserk Staff on her. No one was sure about its accuracy, so none of the staff wielders bothered to try out the Berserk Staff that they have received some time ago.

"So… all I have to do is, um…. just wait here until that Bishop uses a Staff three times?" Florina asked Marth.

"Yes, that's correct," she replied. "According to my 'Leet, Magical, Über, Mondo, Secret Tactician Book', that Bishop will use a Staff on anyone in his range and you are in his range. It only has three uses, so he'll just waste them all up."

"…W-Will it be painful?"

"Nope! Not at all!" Marth then thought to herself, _But it'll be funny to see sweet little Florina turn into a blood-thirsty maniac!_ She opened the LMUMSTB (the short-hand form for the name of her book) and checked the map.

Meanwhile, Hector was having too much fun showing off his Great Lord-ness to the enemies coming out of points G and H. Feeling neglected, Rath came riding by to get in on some of the bloodshed.

"Hey! He was _my_ kill! _Mine!_" whined Hector.

"Let other people fight too," replied Rath.

"Said the one that kept peppering the bad guys near the end of the others' fights so that you could get the lion's share!"

Rath just shrugged and began to trot back over to the main island that was connected to Bridges 6 (both of them), 9, and 14.

"I believe the tactician mentioned something about people who do that are frowned upon! I've no idea what the heck she was talking about with 'online', 'Runescape', 'retarded AIM handles like Boswell The 3rd', and 'Virtual Office Voodoo', but it's not right! I outta tan your hide for that!"

It was the 11th turn. Florina stood in position for the Bishop to make his futile attempts to Berserk her. Nino was staring to cross Bridge 6 to head south to where the others were along with Jaffar behind her. Serra crossed 5 again to kill the reinforcements that have emerged from points A, B, and C. Erk parted ways with Serra and headed over Bridge 11 to kill off the Thief and Wyvern Rider. Suddenly, Bridges 5-8 and 11 sunk! Erk was only one water square away from dry land! Serra was trapped on the island with no way off! Florina got… Berserked?

Erk looked around him and saw that he was stuck—on water! He pondered this unusual predicament. Only Corsairs, Pirates, and Berserkers could walk and stand on water. Flying units could wait on water too. Erk was a level 11 Sage with 34 experience points and 44 hit points, not any of the classes that could logically stand on the water. The water level was very deep, he would have drowned if he stood on the very bottom because of that. Erk pondered again and remembered some strange tale Marth had told them once about a strange place she likes to visit. Once, Marth had wound up at a strange city where you could run across bodies of water and swim through rows of buildings! The city was a strange sight at that because it was a jumble of symbols, numbers, and tiles. Of course, Erk and a few others believed her to be highly intoxicated from mead. The others believed her to be insane. Erk looked around and his surroundings did not match those of "Glitch City"; they only matched those of the Water Temple. He concluded his findings in a theory that he was not a pirate, he was not in Glitch City, and that everyone will ignore the fact that they have a powerful unit that's unable to get back onto dry land. Theories cannot be proven true, only disproven. So far, it has not been disproven yet.

Marth cackled evilly and instructed Hector to stand next to Florina so that he'll eventually get the B Rank support. Surprisingly, Hector did as he was told without any lip. Probably due to the fact that no one was paying any attention and didn't realize that Florina would probably attack any eukaryote that was in her way. Think of the prokaryotes, people! Poor, neglected scientific word.

"Ok, I'll stay next to you to keep you company," said Hector.

Florina replied with a murderous glare at him, complete with evil anime eyes, the bulging anime forehead vein, and sharp anime fangs.

"Still scared to talk around me, eh? No worries about that. In fact I prefer that instead of having someone run their mouths 24/7 like Serra. If you need something, be sure to let me know."

Florina's eye twitched madly and she took off southwest, leaving behind a cussing Hector. She landed next to Wil, who was busy chatting with himself.

"And then—oh hey, Florina! What's up? Wanna stay at my side? Don't worry about Rebecca, she's over there shoving an arrow up the dead guy's nostril. Not Guy, but the dead guy. What do you think'll happen if the author wrote a story about Nils' support conversations and put Nino in as one of the units but not Rebecca? What'll the Nils/Rebecca fans do? Or how about put Rebecca but not Nino? What'll the Nils/Nino fans do? How about just Ninian to keep both the Nino and Rebecca fans at bay? Athos needs support conversations too. I should go ask about that, but I don't know if the author cares much for Athos. I know the author wants to write a funny story about a filibuster with a totally OOC—Oops, did I spoil it for you? My bad, but can you just imagine him singing that retarded Pegasus Counting Song like how Florina did at that one festival with a crooked grin on her face and sitting all cross-legged on top of that table full of food? Geez laweeze! That would be so fluxing scary! Eheheh, I kinda stole Erk's word, 'fluxing'. Like that time Erk was trying to talk to Pent and Pent kept ignoring him and Erk yells—"

"RAWR!" screamed Florina as she charged at Wil with her Steel Lance.

Everyone heard a high-pitched scream that happened to have been Wil's. Florina was busy murdering Wil while screaming and cussing at him. Eventually he became a mess of bloody pulp with his extremities broken in several places and with javelins sticking out of him like some kind of porcupine or deformed shish kabob. And then… everyone stared in awe.

"…Oh, well! I've always liked Nils better than Wil!" chirped Rebecca.

Nino came up to Rebecca and said "It's kinda strange but… I've liked him too. Nils, I mean."

Both green-haired girls bared their teeth at each other and growled loudly. Jaffar glared over at Nils with the Killing Edge unsheathed. Nils just backed away slowly with his hands out to protect him.

"I'd hate to say this, but I'm kinda married already and we've had a child who was taken by some human and Nina's been extremely mad about that for a while, so it'll be kinda wrong for me to fall for either of you."

"Wait a minute… You're too (expletive) young to be married and have kids!" said Sonia.

"Mother… Why are you suddenly on our side?" asked Nino.

"I just think it's wrong for a 12-year-old boy to be married and have kids when he himself is a kid."

"I see…"

"Nils, do you have any idea where the human went?" asked Marth.

"I've heard him say something about 'Britain', but I have no idea what that is," Nils replied.

"What would you guys have named your child?"

"'Nicole', but she was taken when she was still an egg…" Some of the units began to snicker.

Marth fell onto the floor, rolling with laughter. Nils looked at her funny and she got up to explain.

"I believe Hagrid had Nicole, but he named her 'Norbert' after she hatched. It's kinda funny, 'Norbert' is a girl dragon!"

"…Your sense of humor is lost on me," Nils replied.

Nils didn't get to finish this odd story thing because Jaffar gave chase. The Angel of Death took out the Killing Edge and chased poor lil Nils around the island. After Jaffar left, Nino was left out in the open. That gave Florina a chance to attack. As she flew towards the cute little mage, she had a crazed possessed look upon her usually timid face, resembling the lady in the Caffeine Dance from the website Flowgo. Instead of turning into a crazy lady due to coffee, it was the effect of the Berserk Staff. Of course, they had an assumption that giving a usually sweet, quiet, polite person coffee would be chaotic. No one tried it yet, so it's all an assumption.

"Hi, Florina! Thanks for coming to help us! Err… What are y-you going to do with that Javelin?"

"Stabby, stabby, stabby!"

"Am I… Am I going to die?" said Nino after Florina attacked twice.

"Nino!" cried Lyn, who was not even selected for that mission.

"No, father! Why did you have to go get the milk for?" cried Marth in fetal position, attempting to mock Eliwood in Link015's version of The Mole that featured the contestants from Rekka no Ken. Since she didn't have the same voice as Eliwood (thank Elimine because Marth's a girl and Eliwood's… not), it sounded funnier than if Eliwood had said it aloud. He couldn't do that right then and there because Hector would just make fun of him and kick him all over (why stop at only the dark spot when you could try to kick him in the face?), Ninian would dance to make Hector have another turn and kick Eliwood even more, Priscilla would set his clothes on fire, Matthew would steal items from him, and it'll become more anarchic than the clarinet line in the 2005-2006 school year, which the tactician needs to find the other fellow clarinetist that had graduated with her and whip the bad ones into sharp. Thank you Yen, for letting me know about the clarinet line. Florina flew over to the long green scribble that took up about four-and-a-half lines on MS Word in a maximized window and killed it because she was still Berserked.

"…What the flux is wrong with the tactician?" asked Nino.

"Hey! Watch your mouth, Nino!" shouted Sonia. "Even though I'm not your legal guardian and I have killed off your whole family because I'm evil, that doesn't mean that you could swear like a sailor, got it!"

Dart's ears twitched and he shouted while shaking his Hand Axe at Sonia, "'Argh, ya evil, 'busive witch! Dun'chya be 'sultin' meh fer bein' a pirate who's now a B'serker, argh!"

"I'm not a witch, Popeye! I'm a Sage! Sage!"

"Ya soun' like a 'busive witch fer da way youse been treatin' lil' Nino, argh!"

"Dart-eye the Sailor Man, Dart-eye the Sailor Man…" sang a mumbled voice that sounded like it was on the brink of bursting out laughing its butt off.

"…Ok, that was weird," Sonia and Dart muttered at the same time. Suddenly, they realized something.

"Jinx! Crap! Jinx! Dammit! Jinx! _What the flux is going on with us saying the same thing at the exact same time! RAWR!_"

Meanwhile, Erk continued to stand on water without a logical explanation on how this could even occur. He swung his arms from side to side, unknowingly performing the dance from the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. No one was taking in the fact that he had no way of getting back to dry land. That made his blood boil and he wanted to set someone on fire. Since the only Red Unit left was Sonia, he decided to set one of the Blue Units on fire. Serra was the first person to come to mind. Too bad she was on the island to his right (on our left) and there was no way either of them could go over to the other person. Suddenly, Heath flew over to Serra's Tropical Island and rescued her.

"Hey! Heath! Get your deserter rear-end over here and rescue me too!" hollered Erk. Heath flew back down and Ninian danced for him so that he could drop Serra. "Damn it all!" Erk cursed aloud.

Florina stopped being a homicidal maniac and reverted back to her usual androphobic self again. A few turns later (on the 23rd, to be exact) some of the bridges reappeared! Erk was finally back on dry land! He ran across the bridges like a madman, grabbed Florina by her shirt (provoking death threats and severe profanity from Hector) and hollered in 'Caps Lock Abuse', "Why the fluxing heck did you guys leave me out standing on the water while you got to have strange misadventures and whatnot!"

Florina fainted in his arms (not romantically, more like fearfully) and Hector took out the Hand Axe, aiming for Erk's head.

"Now what the flux was my Death Text again?"

* * *

'Eliwood's Elite' was nearing the hidden Shrine of Seals when Erk began to awaken.

"Ooog… Wha—Where am… I? What happened?" Erk moaned as he rubbed his heavily bandaged head.

"Lord Hector got so pissed off when you made Florina faint…! God, I wish I was selected for that mission just to see him kick your ass from there to all over Elibe and beyond!" laughed Raven.

"Since when did you even _think_ of calling Hector by the title 'Lord'?"

"Don't make me kick your ass, bookworm."


End file.
